Human connection, is it the basis of much of our happiness? I think yes! In the study, research and anecdotal evidence I have collected over the years, I have formed a very strong belief in the value and importance of human connection - hence most of my messaging is centred around it!

I'm not alone either. Psychological scientists Mehl, Holleran, Shelby-Clarke and Vazire from the University's of Arizona and Washington also agree (refer to Mr Google for oodles of references). They have conducted much research focused on wellbeing and health outcomes for humanity, and have concluded that limited, deep social connectedness, can have the same negative health and life expectancy impacts as smoking 15 cigarettes a day! Wow, that is some serious risk factor to avoid. The clear conclusion: We need to maximise our deep social connectedness.

Deep social connectedness is forming and fostering those long term relationships we have with our trusted "inner sanctum", but it's also showing up authentically, in all those other conversations we have with acquaintances and colleagues.  I'm not saying you need to bare your soul to your acquaintances and colleagues, but you can be authentic and genuine, sharing the relevant part of yourself in those interactions. Forming many of these genuine relationships - some deeper than others - has a huge positive outcome for you and the people you interact with.

On an organisational level, I believe that genuine relationships like these have a synergy effect in the workplace.  The outcome of the whole is greater than the sum of the two individual parts, because of the positive influence two proactive people, and a proactive interaction has on the culture of a workplace.  When people are modelling proactive, positive and authentic communication, not only do those specific people feel content and treated fairly, but the others around them feel the benefits flowing from this. These benefits are two fold: Direct - through witnessing or talking specifically about the proactive interaction, and; Indirect - the extended workplace being positively impacted through the behaviour and attitude that emanates from each of the parties.  
​
One of the ways we can build genuine connection with others is to develop our ability to empathise. Having empathy for others goes a long way in helping them feel understood, cared for and valued - all with huge positive outcomes in our personal and professional relationships! Empathy is one of the key pillars of emotional intelligence, and in the short video below I expound on some specific ways you can practice and build empathy into the way you “show up” every day. 

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

So they say, the best place to hide a dead body is on the second page of google!  I couldn't agree more at the moment as I struggle with my website keywords and SEO (Search Engine Optimisation for those of you who are fortunate enough not to have to concern yourself with trying to understand the algorithms of such things!)  Finding yourself on the first page of google is a feat to behold, but one that is worth it because who ever visits the second page of google?  

The truth is, I have chosen the image above because the guy in it inspires me.  He's going for it!  He's highly motivated and has committed to this jump, which from the clever camera angle, looks very impressive.  I need the inspiration from this picture because at times it's difficult to remain motivated, particularly when I face challenge after challenge.  I'm a "relationships and communication" expert, not an IT guru, but the amount I have learned about website platforms and IT communication in the past 12 months is incredible! For all of the learning I have done, it's clear that some of it is still not good enough, and thus, my growth and learning journey will continue.  

Motivation at this point for someone else, could be an issue.  But not me... in a way!  Despite feeling frustrated and having momentary thoughts of throwing my hands in the air, I understand that on the bolder journeys of life, we need to maintain focus and drive, despite the short term peaks and troughs.  Though I have moments of wanting to cry and give up when my website traffic is small, the desire for my greater goal is still there.  I have a message to share, and it's a life changing, needle moving message.  I am going to continue in my creative way to share it with the world. 

There is no doubt that I am experiencing negative emotions that impact my feelings of motivation.  But at the same time my knowledge, intention and clear goals provide the impetus I need to continue, despite how I feel on any one day.  This is an explicit example of how arming yourself with KNOWLEDGE can help you overcome even the most negative emotional experience.  Knowledge builds resilience.    

At this point I could start begging you to visit google page two.  But I won't do that for a couple of reasons; 1 being I won't lower myself to beg!  And 2 being that I am self aware enough to realise that you have a busy life and it's not your responsibility to rescue me from my google plight!  You have your own priorities.  I need to get myself into gear and continue to learn, grow and work hard to get myself on page one!

Instead of begging I will offer you some of my knowledge regarding motivation, being the third pillar of Emotional Intelligence.  Do you struggle with motivation?  In the below 10 minute short video, I offer my insights into the strategies of being intentional, taking responsibility, showing appreciation and building resilience.  Building these skills will ensure that motivation is a "state of being" rather than a fleeting feeling that comes and goes in your life.

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

This is an impromptu blog, breaking up my "5 pillars of EQ" schedule because a few of my friends have been chanting at me "write, write, write, write!" with regard to an experience I had last week.  

Writing about this experience is not as easy as usual because an element of the story is about my Christian faith.  I make it no secret that I'm a Christian - refer to "My moral platform" in blog archives - but at the same time I make a point in life of NOT being a "Bible basher".  I am more than happy to speak about my Christianity and how it impacts me - that's part of me holding to my values of transparency - but at no point will I start belting people over the head with preaching, expectations or demands.  So to be clear from the outset, this post will not be an attempt at trying to convert you!  But you need to understand that I'm a Christian to understand the context of this blog, and the reason why my friends (of which these ones are not Christians by the way) are chanting at me to "write, write, write". 

So begins the story:

My sons are close in age, and this year - thankfully - their ages aligned for them to be able to play in the same cricket team together.  They play with a lot of mates, of whom their Mums are also my friends (insert smiley face).  Last week our team made it into the grand final - and we won! - but that's not actually the story.  The story is about a club affiliate from an opposing team.  

I have previously heard a lot about this club affiliate because he has a reputation.  That reputation consists of having a loud, smart, cursing and taunting mouth.  In previous weeks leading up to the grand final, this man John* (*clearly not his real name) had been spoken about at our club because of incidents occurring with other teams and other clubs of which people had been quite upset (I know this is convoluted communication, but even though John upset me, I am not out for a witch hunt, so want to be careful as to what I say).  John seemed to have a strong, consistent reputation across various sporting arenas, teams and clubs.  I was sad about this but only considered it in passing until 2 weeks ago when, in another conversation someone said "yes, he's a Reverend", at which point my ears pricked up and my internal voice shouted a loud "WHAT?" into my ears.  At that time nothing more was said about John's identity, so despite my fleeting disappointment at the obvious hypocrisy of the situation, I thought nothing more of it.  

This is the juncture in the blog where it's imperative for me to add that being a Christian does not mean I think I'm morally supreme to anyone else on earth.  Nor does it mean that I think reverends/pastors/ministers are morally supreme either.  I believe the Bible, and the Bible says that all human beings are in the same situation and have equal worth.  So this is not about a moral high-ground, more about the literal "practice what your preach" phenomenon that can apply to anyone.  If a pastor is preaching the Bible, they should be preaching "love your neighbour as yourself" type messages, and therefore too, aiming to live this out in their lives.  None of us are perfect, and I know when I'm in a bad mood I definitely struggle to love anybody, let alone my neighbour!  I have had some EPIC fails in my life, none of which would fit into this blog....or ten books truth be told.  I have at times treated people badly, hurt people, thought and done things that I say I don't agree with, but done them anyway.  However, the idea of a being a Christian person is to be growing more like Jesus who always loved and treated everybody with dignity and respect.  So when I fail - I hope - that I can recognise my mistakes and aim to do things better next time.  It's the direction not the perfection!  That being said, even though we all make mistakes, the reality of a Christian person - let alone a minister - holding such a consistently foul reputation in the community really bothers me because it brings all Christians, and Jesus, into disrepute. 

Back to the story.

The cricket grand final was played over two days.  Being a grand final there were many extra club affiliates and spectators at the game, which had not been the case during the normal home and away season.  On the first day our team were batting.  All the boys who weren't on the field were seated nicely together in front of the club house, watching and supporting their team mates out on the pitch.  Many of the parents and other club people were scattered all around the ground.  I was seated with a group of parents and our club president in front of the club house, whereupon which I noticed a man approaching around the oval with a swagger that could have rivaled Viv Richards or John Wayne (I pay a lot of attention to people's body language, it doesn't always tell you everything, but you can get some very strong hints and insights into how someone is feeling and what they might be thinking by assessing their body language).  This swaggering man - who's shoulders nearly touched the ground such was the depth of the swagger (OK maybe that's an exaggeration on my part, but you get the drift) - caught the attention of multiple people and there was whispering banter to the tune of "who the heck is this toss bag approaching?" before he even arrived at the club house.  The moral of this part of the story is that it didn't take a body language geek like me, to notice that this dude was trying to convey some serious attitude.  

Swagger man then entered the front of the club house and approached the boys in our team speaking to them indicating they should "be scared".  This was enough to cause one of the mums to get out of her chair in disbelief, but she didn't need to throw any punches to protect the boys from further taunting because swagger man quickly moved over to the scorers and made similar remarks, to which they did not respond from sheer shock.  Swagger man moved on to swagger slowly in front of many of the parents (of which I was one) looking at us in a way that we now believed to be almost daring us to say something.  "Mum" who had got out of her chair with her fists clenched was restrained while she whispered "who the hell was that?"  To which somebody replied "John Smith*" (clearly not his real name), "you know, the reverend."  

I could not name a single emotion that I felt at that moment because I felt too many.  I was already in shock and disbelief at what I had just witnessed, but then to realise that this was "the reverend" that I had previously heard about, I felt embarrassed on behalf of my faith, and angry at the disrepute this man was bringing upon Christianity in general.  If those emotions weren't enough to deal with, I had one extra challenge..... I recognised John Smith's name.  Some extended family members of mine had told me that they knew John Smith through the church and had mixed in Christian circles with him.  All of this knowledge and emotion came rushing to me at once and I felt extremely upset and frustrated.  I then started to shake. 

The shakes came not because of my anger but because of fear.  Fear because I already knew what I was going to do.  I had decided that I was going to approach John and confront him about his behaviour.  I had heard in the past that many people had approached John with a threat to punch him.  That is certainly not my way, though I understand why John might cause a reaction like that in some people!  I was going to put my best foot forward and use all of the skills I am continually preaching about (check my instagram account if you don't believe me!), using well formulated words and a respectful attitude.  If John didn't practice what he preached, at least I would.  

I walked the boundary line to the quiet spot where John was standing on the field, while 3 other parents were on the fence - they are testament to my respectful words and attitude.  I said to John "Hi John" in a firm voice (to hide the quivering!)  John didn't appear to be expecting this and looked to me and said hello.  I told John that I had put two-and-two together and worked out who he was.  I told him that I "had heard all about him in this [sporting] context" (it was left to him to assume that the reputation I had heard about wasn't good) and that I knew of him in his other context "at church".  John was silent as I said this and then said "oh?" and I explained who I was in the context of my extended family whom he knew.  At this point in the conversation, the other 3 parents who were standing there, would later reflect back and say "the look on his face was priceless". 

I did not say more than those few sentences.  I wanted to.  I wanted to inflict hurt and embarrassment on John to take revenge for his taunt to our boys.  But I knew that that would not be my best work, nor was it in line with my values of treating all people with respect - even if I didn't feel like he deserved it.  Instead I made a comment about the weather to finish the conversation there.  He walked off.  Swagger significantly diminished.  

I really hoped John wasn't off the hook.  I hoped that he would realise that his Christian context was not invisible in this context, and that he had just shown himself to be very hypocritical in this instance.  I also hoped the conversation would make him accountable for any future actions for the remainder of the game.  No more taunts.

Word got around with our team - I helped spread it! - of my conversation with John.  Many people commented how unusually quiet and reserved John was for the remaining day and a half of cricket.  A fair few said they couldn't wait to read my blog about it - hence this.

That is the end of the story.  These are my reflections on it:

If I am going to preach - in general or literally - I will practice it, otherwise I risk making myself, or whatever it is I am representing, look like a joke.  

Know who you are and what you stand for, then stand for it.  Stand for it in a way that is honest and respectful.

Confronting conflict head on is a proactive way to achieve positive outcomes.  You can confront a difficult/awkward situation using well formulated words.  You don't have to resort to aggression.

You can experience negative emotions, without having to act on them.  By articulating and being aware of them, you are then in control and able to make a clear and informed decision about how you want to move forward.  

I was angry with John for misrepresenting me in front of my friends - everyone knows I'm a Christian and they all look to me for answers when there is any "Christian issue".  I took responsibility for my anger by confronting John about the problem.  Once I had done that I considered it my responsibility to forgive and let it go.  There was nothing more to be gained from ongoing nastiness, bitterness and resentment. 

I may never see you again John, but incase you are reading this I do hope you are living a happy and successful life.  I hope you are not making any of the people at sporting events around you, sad.  I hope you are representing what you preach about on Sundays with ambitions of integrity.  Thankyou for giving me the opportunity to stand up for what I believe in, in a manner that left a good impression on my friends.  All the best John.

- Kristy.

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

  

Imagine your life is like a jigsaw puzzle, each day a different piece. Right now, this day, may be a dark coloured piece. Focusing on this one dark puzzle piece, you could be tempted into believing your life is one big dark, miserable hole. But as we know with jigsaw puzzles, it's the combination of the thousands of pieces combined that make the whole. What about tomorrow's piece of your life? Let's imagine it's grainy turquoise coloured with a dark section on the adjoining tab that fits into yesterday's piece. Tomorrow may be bright and wonderful, experienced as a better day, but what of today? Do we throw today's piece out because it's dark and uncomfortable? Certainly not, because when we take a step back we can see that today's piece makes up the majority of the dark pupil of our eye, while tomorrow puts in place the first section of our turquoise iris in our life's portrait picture!
​
Are you someone who gets overwhelmed by the current demands in your life, and you forget to remember and work accordingly to the bigger picture you are planning for yourself? I'm a person who's into details. I naturally look for detail, notice detail, and when it's not there my first intuition is to ask about it. I can easily get bogged down in the here and now because there is so much to pay attention to!

There is nothing wrong with being into details. Successful people are those who can finish their projects down to the last detail and present them with finesse. There is a problem however, when all you can focus on is detail, and this fixated focus clouds you from having a broader perspective. You know the "can't see the forest for the trees" saying? It's so true. It is a crucial skill to have the foresight to be able to stand back - figuratively, literally, physically or emotionally - from a situation and take stock of it with your "big picture" in mind.

Not always are we going to be able to see and make sense of every situation in our lives, as to where it fits in our big picture. Sometimes we may suffer huge disappointments that seem entirely negative and an utter waste of our time (usually I find I can look back on these however, and see that they taught, grew and developed me). But even for argument's sake, if we agree these negative experiences are nothing but a waste of our time, should we allow them to cause us to give up, give in or get distracted from our bigger picture goals? Surely not.

If you are traversing a dark hour, day or week, my heart goes out to you. I care that you are struggling and will help you if I have the opportunity. I implore you to remember that this time shall pass and there will be a multitude of other puzzle pieces assigned to you - a huge variety of textures and shades - to complete the picture of your life. Don't allow the demands and disappointments of today to distract you from your goals for tomorrow and the life you can continue to create for yourself.

In my latest blog video, I share my insights into the second pillar of Emotional Intelligence, Self Regulation. Remembering your "bigger picture" on those dark days is one aspect of self regulation, and a skill that will serve you in a happier more contented life. Listen to my 10 minute video for more strategies on how you can implement self regulation in your life to increase your own wellbeing and that of your personal and professional relationships.

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

Have you ever felt in your heart that you could be more than what you are? Have you ever dreamed of greatness, and thought about the good you could bestow on others, how generous you could be if you had the opportunity?

There are a lot of great people out there, who have all the attributes and abilities to succeed in copious amounts, but have not yet harnessed the power they have internally to make their dreams a reality. If we have not harnessed our internal self, how can we possibly harness the external opportunities around us?

In my latest video blog - which I will be releasing in 5 stages, this being the first - I address the 5 pillars of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and how you can harness and refine these within yourself. Understanding EQ is the key to great success (if you don't believe me, just ask mr google and many other experts). By implementing EQ strategies you can shift your mentality and improve your ability to achieve great results in your goal attainment and personal/professional relationships. Don't fear, you don't have to be born with impeccable EQ, or even any EQ, to harness and develop it! These are skills, habits and mentalities that you can learn and implement daily that will help you take control of your life and relationships. You can improve your ability to connect with others on a genuine level, giving you the power to influence all your people - for good!

Below is the first of 5 installments in which I talk about practical ways you can understand and implement the 5 pillars of EQ. This first installment focuses on the skill of Self Awareness. Enjoy the content, I've designed it so that it adds genuine value to your life and challenges you to reflect and grow. Feel free to share it with anyone who might find it helpful, and contact me or leave any comments/questions below.
​
A sneak preview outline. In this short video Kristy talks about:
* Identity - can you articulate who you are and what you stand for? Clarity surrounding your identity has a monumental impact on your self esteem and ability to interact positively with "your people".
* Awareness of your Strengths and Weaknesses - are your threatened or defensive of your weaknesses? Do you think that acknowledging weaknesses mean you are a failure? Get to know and appreciate your weaknesses, then you can have power over them!
* What are the triggers or past traumas that influence you? Determine what they are, deal with them and don't allow them to dictate you any longer

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

• frantic running from A to B.
• yelling at your children, spouse, colleagues or random people.
• missing vital pieces of information because you aren't listening, rather thinking about the next item on your to-do list.
• constantly looking at your watch and accusing it of deliberately conspiring against you.
• unable to sit still, constant tapping, jiggling (or even God forbid, rocking).
• mind racing so you can't sleep.
• body breaking down because of over or under eating.

What is it that you suffer from when stress starts to overwhelm you? I can identify with all of the above (hopefully never again the rocking though!!). I know what it's like to be under constant pressure, balancing various competing demands. The thing is, I've changed. People regularly ask me "Kristy, how do you cope with the stress of your work and not allow the situations you deal with to impact you?" My reply is always the same - I actually find it easy. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying this because it's true. But I don't find it easy by pure chance. I find it easy because after many years of working in high stress or distressing situations, I have learned some skills that I implement day in, day out; I know who I am; I have faith in my professional skills, I know what I'm capable of dealing with; I know what's my responsibility and what's not; I'm not afraid to say "this is out of my depth" and refer a situation on; I always do my best so when I walk out the door I can maintain my integrity and say "I have given it my all and done everything reasonably expected of me"; I refuse to label myself as a failure because I can't do it all; I know I'm not wonderwoman and I don't expect to be.

I guess you could say I am aware and content with who I am on the inside, and that awareness and contentment influences how I interact with my environment on the outside.

The reasons why we get stressed can be complex, but often they boil down to a common denominator; our expectations. What is it that we expect of ourselves? What is it that we expect of others? Have we been intentional and realistic when setting up those expectations? Or are we mindlessly adhering to them without taking the time to realise and articulate exactly what we think?
​
Below is my latest FREE video in which you can listen to 6 clear strategies helping you immediately start to de-stress your days AND move toward intentionally bringing a state of calm and productivity into your life

​Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

Have you ever dreaded the hard work you know is ahead of you, to solve a certain problem you are facing? In those moments of dread did you hope and much prefer to discover - or even be willing to pay for - a secret, easy solution?! I know I have fallen into that trap more than once in my life. Heck, I think many millionaires have been made on the back of large numbers of people falling into that trap! Doing the dreaded hard work seems ill-enticing, boring and let's face it, most of us subscribe to the whole 'instant gratification' phenomenon that is our society today. We don't want to wait.

This delayed gratification concept though, it actually really packs some punch, I've come to realise recently that it may hold the best kept secret - near guaranteed results! I hear your objection right now "what Kristy, as if you can 'near guarantee' results?" But hey, you feel free to argue with me otherwise. For example, if your goal was to improve your tennis playing ability, you could be tempted to hope that if you hired Roger Federer as your coach, you could improve your game quickly (possibly true) but you could also achieve the same, if not better outcome, by setting aside 2 hours a week to play and practice tennis for one whole year. Which solution do you think is more likely to get you genuine results that will sustain? (Maybe this is a bad example because I hate to say anything negative about Roger Federer?!) But I'm sure you're intelligent and you get my drift - committing to spending time practicing and developing a skill is a near guaranteed way of improving your growth and ability in that area. That's the secret punch that delayed gratification offers; the solution is almost simple, you just have to be prepared to put the time in and patiently wait for the results.

Developing our relationships and improving the dynamics in our workplace are more pertinent and serious examples of how we can achieve growth and outcomes through consistent effort. We know that developing genuine relationships takes time and investment. Any leader who thinks they can waltz in with a smooth smile and flatter with some false charm is not going to get very far - most humans can smell insincerity from a mile away. If you want to improve productivity and achieve results in your team - which I believe you absolutely can! - you need to make sure you are putting in the consistent investment. Communicate with your team and interact with them in a way that serves both you and them.

A sure fire way of connecting with your team, inspiring and motivating them to want to achieve bigger and better outcomes, is to improve your Emotional Intelligence (EQ). We are all capable of improving our EQ by learning about what EQ is and starting to practice implementing its strategies. There is no shortage of evidence (research and anecdotal) to suggest that leaders with higher EQ lead teams that are higher functioning and achieve greater results.

Since you are reading this, you are likely a person who has an attitude of lifelong learning and a desire to grow. I have recorded a FREE 20 minute (approx) training session (youtube link above) to outline some EQ strategies that you can start implementing with your team now, that will absolutely help your team relationships and results. If you are already implementing an EQ approach in your leadership, excellent, I am sure this short training will encourage you to keep going and provide you with some new strategies to consider.

I hope the insights in the video give you some practical strategies to apply in your work or personal relationships. Short of that, I hope that reading this article has at least inspired you to save your money on hiring Roger, in preference for getting out there and practicing consistently!

Look forward to crossing paths with you one day in our mutual mission to connect, grow and live!
Kristy @ Wellbalance

The art of saying sorry, or the art of forgiveness - I'm not sure which is harder?  They are both hard in my book, and both require different skills as well as a certain level of self awareness and emotional intelligence.  They both appeal to our inner, dignified sense of pride as well as our our aversion to injustice.

On the weekend I took my sons to my nephew's birthday party at GoJump trampoline park in Shepparton.  This is the IDEAL party destination according to my boys whom are 12 and 13 y/o.  The one slight drawback this weekend however, was that my 12 y/o Riley broke his hand last Thursday, so was not in peak physical fitness. Jumping would have been  a risk to his own health, as well as a risk to GoJump's insurance policy no doubt!

Upon arrival the centre owner/manager greeted Riley and immediately noticed his cast and delivered the bad news - he wouldn't be jumping because of risk of further injury to himself.  Riley accepted this because he was pretty much expecting it, however standing there and watching his brother, cousins and friends have a ball was a challenge.  Early in the piece he snuck on to a trampoline and did a quick backflip (he is well versed in backflips) I was there and saw it, as did the centre manager who rushed over.  Since Riley had deliberately defied his request I was expecting quite a razzing.  Instead, he put his hand on Riley's shoulder and said some kind words to him along the lines of "mate, I know it must be hard, but you REALLY need to stay off the trampolines."  He then asked Riley all about his injury, how it had happened etc.  and complimented Riley saying that he recognised him and knew he was a good jumper from visits we had made to GoJump in the past.  The talk was enough to completely convert Riley.  He didn't even think about getting on a trampoline for the rest of the party because he felt acknowledged, understood, valued and affirmed by the manager.  Not only did Riley not want to disappoint him in the future, he felt bad and sorry for defying him in the first place. 

No matter who your team is - whether it's your family, your colleagues, whether you are in business, manage staff, deal with customers etc - having an approach to those you have authority over, like the approach the GoJump manager used, will be an asset to you.  Rather than wielding power by inciting FEAR, you can wield power by inciting LOYALTY.  Loyalty will give you return on your investment time and time again.

Let's step through this scenario one positive point at a time:

1.  GRACIOUS ATTITUDE.  The centre manager (would have been smart of me to know his name, it would have been polite, not to mention made this article shorter!) was within his rights to be angry with Riley and chastise him to a certain degree.  Who knows if these thoughts went through his mind, but instead he focused on understanding Riley's needs and motivations and the reasons behind his behaviour.  Understanding these didn't excuse Riley's behaviour, or suddenly make it ok, rather it gave the manager a platform to speak to Riley about it - he conveyed a firm message and it was successfully received.

2.  FOCUS ON ACHIEVING THE DESIRED OUTCOME rather than focusing on who's right and who's wrong.  It's easy to feel dignified self-righteousness when someone has wronged you.  Suffering injustice is one of the toughest things in life.  Pointing out how right you are and how wrong someone else is - even though it might be true - is likely to cause a defensive reaction and only delay you from sorting out the problem.

3.  A SPIRIT OF FORGIVENESS - showing this, even before someone has acknowledged their wrong doing or apologised, takes character strength.   Yet, if you want to lead your team to productive outcomes, it's a quality that will serve you well.  Expect and assume the best from your people - particularly if they have given you no reason in the past to expect the worst.  Deal with the worst, only when you are sure this is the worst and you have no other option. 

4.  MAKE MUTUAL RESPECT ONE OF YOUR DESIRED OUTCOMES (as opposed to the desired outcome of having people in awe, fear or trepidation of how powerful and mighty you are.)  Not only did the centre manager focus on curbing Riley's behaviour - jumping when it wasn't safe - he fostered another desired outcome, a RELATIONSHIP CONNECTION.  Creating a genuine relationship connection is future thinking.  Future thinkers are proactive and don't focus solely on this one problem right here (nor do they focus on making themselves look powerful or mighty), but they use this opportunity to instil safeguards that will prevent problems from happening again.  Relationship connection - feeling understood, acknowledged, valued and affirmed - is a safeguard against many problems in the future.  Relationship connection fosters mutual respect and loyalty.   

5.  BE GENEROUS.  Doing all of the above is being generous.  The centre manager took it the next step with Riley.  When I ordered Riley and I a hot drink to help us enjoy passing the time, he upgraded Riley's to the next biggest size and gave him extra marshmallows for free!  A small, but again significant gesture, that showed Riley this guy was genuinely feeling for him, understanding it was difficult having to sit on the sidelines. 

At the conclusion of the party I was immensely proud of my 12 y/o.  He said to me while we were sipping our drinks "Mum I feel bad for jumping when he told me not to."  We talked about the best and right thing to do and Riley decided he wanted to say sorry and thankyou (I do drum into my kids about the importance of saying sorry, and acknowledging our mistakes, so a fair bit of back work ie. years! had gone into setting the context for that conversation!)  I'm also a firm believer in teaching my kids to own their decisions and not "helicoptering" over them orchestrating their every move.  If they believe they need to do something, they should do it, and if they don't they can suffer the consequences of not.  So I left Riley to tend to his business while I went to round up the other kids.  I watched from a distance as Riley approached the counter and offered a left handed hand shake (his right hand was out of action!) and there was an exchange of words.  Riley told me later that he said all he needs to say, and used the actual word "sorry" (it's very important to say it and not skirt around trying to pretty our mistakes up).

This Mama couldn't be prouder of the growing men in her household.  She also thanks the centre manager at GoJump in Shepparton for the way he handled himself with her son.  This professional acknowledges the GoJump manager for the example he sets to his team of staff, and encourages all of her readers to consider taking the same approach with their team.  Watch the positive outcomes start rolling in!

I have been asked to write this by numerous people who don't know or cross paths with each other.  Is that saying something?  I think yes.  It tells me that as fellow humans, we find a common cause of frustration in our attempts to bring reason to an unreasonable situation.  As much as this following statement goes against the grain of what I'm usually promoting, I'm going to say it anyway:  JUST STOP TRYING ALREADY!

I once had brought into my life (through circumstances not of my choosing and beyond my control!) a person who held vastly different standards of behaviour to myself, and who had no issues lying about their behaviour, if that's what suited their means at the time.  I have no doubt that this person enjoyed (or had some other need met, at a guess, maybe control, power, dominance, self worth (really crazy - and unsuccessful - way of trying to meet your needs for self worth by the way)) wreaking havoc on my sanity, wellbeing and some of my life circumstances.  For a significant time I lost sleep - and sanity - trying to work out what I was doing wrong with this person, and why our interactions were so extremely challenging.  I'd reflect, identify then change many of the ways I engaged with this person in an attempt to improve the situation.  But what do you know, for all of my efforts, there was always another problem and nothing ever improved.  I tried to speak transparently with this person, confronting many problems, only to be met with lies, denial or distraction.  After many failed attempts and much reflection on the situation, I came to the realisation that this problem was not actually mine (you might say I'm a slow learner - I hope for your sake that you are faster than me)! 

I'm sure many of you can relate to this.  Whether it's someone in your professional circles, club/affiliation circles, a customer, or even in an extended family situation, we can't always control who we need to associate with. 

We are all capable of getting angry and refusing to see reason in the moment (hand up for guilty as charged), but healthy people and healthy relationships can overcome this type of refusal to reason by reconvening once the situation has cooled.  Having the skill to identify when to back off because the moment is too heated, but still follow up once things are calm, is important.  It will bring health, transparency and respect into your relationships.

If however, you are dealing with a person whom you rarely find reasonable, reliable or honest, the sooner you accept that they hold different standards of behaviour to yourself, the better.  And, the sooner you implement healthy boundaries after you have come to this acceptance, the better.  Implementing boundaries is something that you can take charge of, and regain some control over how regularly or how deep your interactions are with this person.  Think about placing limits on; the time and place you will speak with them; the content of what you will speak about; particular phrases or sentences you will use if they overstep your boundaries; the "line" at which you will not accept them crossing, and what you will say/implement if they cross it.  If ofcourse, you have the luxury of completely removing yourself from this person's context, go for it, but in most cases when people are speaking to me, they don't have that luxury, hence the conflict resolution discussion!

On that note I will say, that last week I was asked whether I would consider mediating a particular situation.  Mediation does not suit everyone, nor every situation, and as part of my intake process I always complete an assessment of the circumstances for a variety of reasons, two of the main ones being:  to ensure I would not be placing any party at risk whilst participating in mediation and; to ensure that if the conflict is not resolved, it will not be made worse by the process - the "first do no harm" philosophy.  I said no to engaging in mediation because there was too much documented evidence that one party had no intention of wanting to resolve this dispute.  The dispute resolution field recognises that attempting to resolve disputes through reason is not always possible.  As individuals, we need to recognise that too. 

In closing I encourage you to do a few things:
      : REFLECT - if you are experiencing constant interpersonal issues, is there something you can identify within yourself that you need to change?  Is there something that people are constantly telling you, that is a fault/flaw/mistake you are making repeatedly, that is actually valid and you need to address it?  
      :  IMPLEMENT BOUNDARIES - once you've reflected and confirmed that this problem is not your responsibility, and you can't control it, the one thing you can control is how you interact with it.  Implement boundaries to protect yourself that are firm but fair, and communicate your reasons for withdrawing from the situation ie. To a vexatious customer "I will no longer speak to you about this because I will not tolerate your swearing and verbal abuse.  If you want to take this situation further you will need to speak to my supervisor." 
        : ACCEPT and ALLOW - accept that not all people are going to hold themselves to the same standards of behaviour that you do.  If you come across somebody that you can't reason with, accept that they are different, and allow them to find somebody else who will relate with them because their standards are aligned.  You can focus on spending time with people whom you share common ground with, while the others live happily ever after with those whom they share commonality ;) (that's a winking emoticon, because my theory does not predict happily ever after at all......something more along the lines of implosion.... but that's beside the point and it's no longer your problem anyway!)!

Get out there and connect, grow and live!

The coach who avoids too much bench time for a player who's parents are on the club committee.  The dissatisfied customer who is afraid to shop elsewhere because the store owner is a relative.  The "supposedly equal" board member who holds the undercurrent of power because they have financially invested the most. 

The pathway is not always clear when our minds are clouded with the political ramifications of the decisions we need to make.  If I do this, so and so will do that, and if I say that, this is the likely result.  Certainly life is complicated with so many people, their opinions and influence all around!

Life in the workplace is no different.  The complex weave of relationships we work within, navigate and sometimes coordinate can be overwhelming. If you are in a leadership role, these complexities can be amplified because you may be responsible for challenging the status quo at times.  Here are some insights as to why we may avoid challenging the status quo, but motivations that prove, after careful consideration, we may have to go ahead and do it anyway. 

1.  Be self aware.  Aware of your own relationships and who the politicians within your spectrum are.  Aware of the obligations you feel, and spend time determining how reasonable these obligations are, and who's interests they serve.  Be aware of the impact these obligations have on you.  Be aware of your tendency to avoid "upsetting the apple cart".  Aware that the thought of "upsetting the apple cart" may cause your heart rate to elevate, and despite an outcome that you would desire, cause you to avoid it and suffer the consequences.  (FYI. Elevated heart rates are the normal human response in these circumstances.  What sets proactive, successful leaders apart from the rest, is their ability to identify and work through this, and take the controlled and measured steps required to do it anyway.) 

2.  People are capable of having multiple personas.  Just because you have one experience of a person, does not mean you should discount the possibility that that person has the capacity to be different in other situations.  If you are hearing negative feedback about an employee from other employees, that is not consistent with your experience of this person, investigate.  Beware of "the teacher's pet" phenomenon!

3.  Though people may not like what you have to say, because it doesn't suit them for various reasons, they should respect you for standing up and taking your position of leadership seriously.  Maintain the golden rules though - communicate consistently, transparently and with respect in your own tone and content. 

4.  Consider the political ramifications, but don't let them stop you, particularly if there is a party at a very unfair advantage.  Employees who operate in a constant state of feeling unjustly treated, will not be happy productive employees who sell your business without even meaning to, to your potential customers.  They will do the opposite.  Damage to your culture and potential growth. 

5.  Weigh up the risk.  By all means, keep the politicians happy.  But if keeping them happy comes at a great cost, does the cost outweigh the benefit?

6.  Remember that no one is perfect - including you.  Be kind to yourself.  Be ok with the fact that you may have over looked something, or may not respond in the perfect way every time.  And give the people you deal with the same courtesy.  Give them the grace of assuming that even if they haven't done it well in the past, now it's been identified, they are likely to do it well in the future.  (If you have extended that grace, one too many times, you probably need to refer to a different article on good performance management!)

I encourage you to take a seat - like on the bench chair depicted above - to reflect on all these things, before embarking on a path that could look a little like the one above - not exactly clear cut, with potential obstacles on either side.  If you have considered all these steps and the politics that play a role in your workplace, and decide to take no action, congratulations - you are making an informed decision.  That is far better than blundering your way through without any insight as to what's happening around you.