Have you ever felt undermined, upset or fearful of a team member in your workplace? Bullying and harassment isn't always easy to identify or define. If you're worried and need some direction about behaviour you have observed in your workplace, read this helpful article below, written by Wellbalance team member Amanda.

​Coercive control is a pattern of manipulative behaviours that create an unequal power dynamic within a relationship. The use of coercive control allows for one person in a relationship to dominate and control the autonomy of the other. Coercive control looks different in each relationship but is often subtle, non-physical and difficult to describe or identify by those who are most affected by it.
Coercive control is often discussed in the context of Family and Domestic violence as research has begun to highlight the role coercive control often plays in intimate partner violence.
Common coercive tactics perpetrated in the context of Family Violence include:

• Isolating a person from their support networks.
• Monitoring a person’s movements and interactions with others.
• Emotional degradation through severe criticism, name calling, humiliation and gaslighting.
• Limiting a person’s choices and restricting their freedom with rigid rules.

A key component of coercive control is the behaviours and tactics utilised to gain control will vary depending on the type of relationship and the context in which the relationship exists.
While we mostly think of coercive control occurring within personal relationships and within the home environment, coercive control can also occur within professional relationships and in the workplace.
Workplace coercive control occurs when an employee is the intentional target of coercive tactics. Coercive tactics are utilised purposefully to exploit or dominate the employee, create dependency or damage the employee’s reputation and standing within their workplace, work sector and/ or community.
These are some examples of coercive control tactics within a workplace:

• Isolating an employee by neglecting to include the employee in emails, meetings and discussions regarding important workplace information. Purposefully disrupting an employee’s relationships with other colleagues, management, clients and customers.
• Degrading an employee through criticism, humiliation and mocking. Degrading comments can be made without the employee being aware or they can occur in public settings.
• Intense monitoring of an employee’s productivity and location.  
• Gaslighting an employee to question their own memory and perception. Gaslighting occurs when an employee’s version of events is questioned or denied, their emotions are belittled and trivialised or incidents are reported in a way that unfairly places blame on an employee for an adverse event.

Isolation, humiliation, gaslighting and manipulation and all forms of harassment have no place in workplace relationships.
Workplace coercive control negatively impacts an employee’s emotional and psychological wellbeing, autonomy and capacity to excel or succeed in their role.
What should you do if you are experiencing coercive control in the workplace?
Document your experience, by noting the date and time, who was involved, what occurred and the impact the incident had on your wellbeing and work practice.
Compile evidence. If possible, it is important to include evidence in your documentation. Evidence can include photos and copies of emails and messages. Coercive control can be subtle, but it is also a pattern. Evidence can help to make that pattern visible.
Report incidents of coercion to an appropriate resource like Human Resources, your manager or management team.
Look after your emotional and mental wellbeing by engaging in therapeutic supports and sharing your experience with people you trust. 

Written by Wellbalance team member Amanda Conway, 2022 

If you are a stressed leader, worried about your own or your team's mental health, or feeling "out of control", there are a few things you can do.
One of the main triggers for human anxiety is feeling "out of control".  To reduce anxiety it is crucial to remember that we need to ACCEPT what we can't control, and do our best to INFLUENCE what we can. 
Needless to say, an international pandemic that we cannot control will induce anxiety for humans the world over.  Focusing on the things we CAN INFLUENCE will help.

1. Keep a calm demeanor.  Deliberately slow your movements and speech if you're feeling internally anxious.
2.  Remember your team are a bunch of individuals - they will all respond differently.
3.  ASK how each of them are and LISTEN to what they need.
4. Level with them.  Be transparent in your communication.  Be honest about the uncertain future and don't make promises you can't keep.  This will instil trust.  
5.  Remember your own humanity.  We are all in this together.  Saving lives is our ultimate goal.  Share solidarity with your team.  They will relate to you and hopefully respect you.
6. Call for help if you need it.  You're not expected to be a mental health clinician, get expert advice.  
7.  Remember it's not your responsibility - nor is it within your ability - to fix this.  The best you can do is encourage your staff as above, and take the lead in meeting your human obligations to social distance, practice hand hygiene and don't touch your face!

You are not alone.  Watch the clip for a short verbal explanation of the above, and call in the cavalry if you need support.  

All the best.  Kristy (virtual xo).

Inner human qualities.  Some we are born with, others we need to work on developing.

I have facilitated a number of group sessions recently where we have brainstormed the human qualities we value most in others - it's easy to identify what we like and dislike in others!  There are hundreds of qualities I have written in whiteboard marker, but the top 10 consistently raised, and that encompass many traits, would be:
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Integrity - authentic; genuine; honest; says what they mean; means what they say; communicates transparently; no manipulation; lives according to strong personal values.

Empathy - kind; caring; considerate; appreciative; compassionate; other-focused; self-aware.

Communication - speaks clearly; gives eye contact; addresses people by name; listens - genuinely listens, focused on the other; exudes dignity, self respect and other respect in their words, tone and body language.  

Accountability - responsibility taken for own thoughts/feelings/actions; no blaming; no self-victim mentality; no victimising others.  

Respectful - speaks/behaves respectfully to all people; sees human value in all people; can disagree with others without isolating them; no aggression, intimidation, attacking or bullying; gives respect and thus earns respect from others.  

Inner strength - determination; resilience; persistence; sets goals; plans; is intentional in their approach to life and relationships; doesn't fall "victim" to and does not allow circumstances beyond their control, to control their own thoughts/feelings/behaviour ie. mood is not dictated by the weather or other people's behaviour.  

Humility - open minded; accepts feedback; admits mistakes; has insight; is self-aware. 

Work ethic - consistency; reliability; personal accountability/pride; honesty; performs because of inner drive, not drive to impress others.  

Flexibility - willing to learn, grow and adapt in many situations; expects to learn from others; realises every individual has personal expertise to offer.    

Approachable - calm, non-judgemental, understanding, other-focused.


There could be other qualities not listed here that you were born with or are working on - like comedic talent/funniness/ability to make others laugh (my husband particularly excels in this area!)  Laughter is such a valuable human experience, so what a skill to be able to illicit it in others!  Personally I'm working on inspiration, that's another human quality not mentioned above.  The ability to inspire others is a trait of the most successful  leaders in our history, those who have stood for what they believed in and inspired others in doing so - I want to inspire for good, not evil.  

You may have noticed that self-awareness, empathy, flexible thinking, self regulation, personal motivation and social skills are traits that weave in and out all of the top 10, and each could be applied to more than one of those top 10 categories.  These are the traits of emotional intelligence (EQ) and working on developing these traits will stand you in very good stead - to live a contented and relational life.  

Who's responsible for your mental health at work? Some would say your H.R. department, others the Safety and Risk Management team, others still would suggest your direct line manager/supervisor. I say that a combination of all of these can have input into your good mental health, but ultimately it's YOU who is responsible for making it happen.
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We live in a culture that it constantly attempting to calculate risk and allocate blame or responsibility to whomever/whatever process has caused us to achieve a less than perfect outcome. It's my opinion that this dominant way of thinking has influenced a trend away from us as individuals taking on full responsibility for ourselves. It's easier to allocate responsibility elsewhere, than to do the hard work that is sometimes required to fix or prevent our own problems.

This being said, I always advocate for a wellbalanced approach. Personal responsibility needs to be present, but it needs to be balanced with public accountability too. A one size fits all approach rarely works in every circumstance (except in the case of blue cheese and figs - they should always go together), so we need to look at the parties, the players involved, to see where we can reasonably allocate responsibility in specific circumstances. In every relationship; partner/partner; workplace/staff member; citizen/government; parent/child; it's important to consider power dynamics when determining responsibility. Who has the power and resources to achieve the task required? And who has any vulnerabilities that could act as obstacles to prevent achieving the task required?
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Let's consider an individual's mental health in the workplace and allocate responsibility for positive wellbeing:

Responsibilities of the WORKPLACE:

1. Promote a positive culture in which bullying and harassment are not tolerated, nor any other behaviour that may contribute to psychological injury or stress. This is part of your legal obligation under your state's OHS Act to manage and prevent workplace injury.
2. Lead with transparent and plentiful communication so individuals have clarity about what they can expect, and the responsibilities they must fulfill.
3. Provide information to leaders and employees about the instance, symptoms and impacts of mental illness to promote the de-stigmatisation of mental health issues. Encourage staff to seek help or support if they need it.
4. Provide support to individuals who disclose mental health issues by a) addressing workplace complaints that are contributing to these issues or b) referring them to support services qualified to assist them with a mental health action plan. eg. a workplace EAP program.

Responsibilities of the INDIVIDUAL:

1. Communicate - with your team, line manager or organisation - about any problems you are experiencing in the workplace. Problems - whether they are operational and contributing to your stress, or relational - cannot be addressed if the other party or organisation is not aware that the problem exists. It is your responsibility to raise it.
2. Seek help - if you are experiencing symptoms that are impacting your quality of life, seek help within your workplace OR with your GP, OR with another organisation that provides mental health support (beyondblue.org.au is a great place to start if you are unsure of where else to go.)
3. Take action - there are a myriad of strategies and ways you can improve your mental health. Most of them will involve you making a decision to change some of your physical habits and/or your thinking patterns. Be prepared to do the work. No mental health professional is going to wave a magic wand and fix you (unfortunately. Sometimes we too wish we could) but they can offer a wealth of information and support that will help you feel empowered and give you hope of recovery.
4. Behave in a way within your workplace that isn't going to cause harm to any other individuals. We all want to be treated with dignity and respect by others. Make sure dignity and respect are your regular modes of operating and communicating.

Be willing to take personal responsibility for seeking the help you need to care for your own mental health. Your workplace has legal responsibilities to help and support you, but they cannot do this until you have done what is within your power to do: talk about it.

Check out  the rest of this website wellbalance.net.au for more information about workplace wellbeing programs and how I can help your workplace to support staff and reduce the risk of psychological injury occurring.

It never ceases to amaze me the way us humans over-complicate our lives because we refuse - or are too lax - to implement some simple strategies in our everyday.

Bullying and bullying prevention is a key cause for concern across our nation; in schools and workplaces alike. There are many reasons why bullying behaviour is rampant - insecure identity being a major cause - but this article is not where I'll share my opinion on those (feel free to check out some of my other blogs into my insights regarding bullying, identity and emotional intelligence). Here I want to give 3 simple strategies that, if implemented consistently, will reduce the risk of bullying in your workplace.

Strategy 1. Communicate clear and concise statements verbally and visually.

It's imperative that you set boundaries - clear expectations, guidelines and consequences - about the type of behaviour that you will not tolerate in your workplace. Yes you need a detailed policy and procedure, but design a one page poster that simplifies your expectations and will act as a daily prompt to your staff.

In this poster, outline what bullying behaviour is; some common impacts it has on individuals and; the process your staff can follow to report bullying in your workplace. Print multiple copies of the poster and post it in prominent places that your staff frequent on a daily basis - staff toilets, staff tea rooms, staff offices, the fridge door etc. Staff should have no reason why they are unaware of how they are expected to behave AND what action they can take to report issues.

Strategy 2. Ensure leadership take responsibility to ACT in accordance with these statements.

If you are a leader, the way you instill a culture of trust in your workplace is by ensuring that your actions reflect what you say you believe in. By doing what you say not only are you leading by example, but you are reinforcing that your employees can trust the statements you have made regarding bullying. When your people trust those statements, and believe that bullying will not be tolerated, they are more likely to ensure that they regulate their own behaviour - they will be motivated! This culture of trust and respect for leadership's authenticity will also be a protective factor in reducing the risk of bullying because standards of integrity have been clearly set and modeled.

With regard to specifically acting in accordance with your bullying policies: Ensure you treat others with respect - listen to them and speak in a respectful tone: Don't unfairly isolate or ostracise anybody, don't have obvious favourites: If you need to address an issue, do it with discretion without hurting anybody's dignity: If you make a mistake, acknowledge it and apologise if required: Make yourself open and available - both physically and emotionally - so that your team feel comfortable to approach you.

Strategy 3. Take bullying reports seriously and follow up in a timely and appropriate manner.

Not every complaint or reported issue will require a formal disciplinary process. But each issue reported to you should be investigated as quickly as possible and dealt with according to its merit.

If an employee comes to you with a problem, and sees that you take no action to deal with it they will feel undervalued. Through your lack of action, you are also giving your people reason to doubt your integrity since you (as a member of leadership) have made statements that bullying behaviour will not be tolerated, but you are showing little interest in whether these expectations have been upheld.

Follow up as quickly as possible by; acknowledging the person with the complaint and expressing your understanding of what they are feeling and how they have been impacted; clarifying with that person what could rectify the situation for them (it could be an apology, or simply that the behaviour stops); don't make any promises about what you can deliver, but ensure them you will take all of this into account as you follow up; speak to the other party/parties involved as soon as practicably possible; determine the most appropriate course of action to rectify the situation; communicate clearly (and at regular intervals if this process takes time) with the parties about your progress, thoughts and your suggested pathway for resolution.

By consistently applying these three strategies, the risk of bullying in your workplace will be sure to decrease. Ofcourse some bullies are going to be a problem despite any amount of intervention. They will be in the minority, and always exist despite all your best efforts. But for the majority - those who are teetering on the edge of unacceptable behaviour - seeing/hearing/feeling these expectations outlined and followed up will be a significant and sufficient deterrent to curb their behaviour and influence their choices.

You can influence change by being authentic and consistent! Below is a vlog in which I expand verbally on these 3 strategies for reducing bullying in your workplace. Whether you are a formal or informal leader, this is relevant for you!
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Please contact me at wellbalance to discuss training or coaching needs for your organisation.

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all and resolve conflict. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

The pursuit of happiness. Most of us are on board that train; destination happiness; but what habits are you practicing that are wrecking your journey on a daily basis?

Habit 1: Limited emotional vocabulary.
Does your emotional vocabulary consist of two words? Happy and sad?! Or can you articulate the gamut of emotions between and around happy and sad? Having the self awareness to recognise your emotions, then the vocabulary to articulate them will improve your emotional intelligence. When you have emotional intelligence and awareness of your mood, you can accept it for what it is - a passing feeling - and don't have to allow your mood to dictate your attitude and behaviour.

Habit 2: You lack purpose and intent.
How often do you stop running on the hamster wheel to consider where you are heading and to set your intention for how you want to act and feel in your next interaction? Stopping for a few minutes to plan and consider your purpose throughout the day is invaluable to you kicking goals in the activities you invest your time in. The same as you would go into a meeting with clear purpose and intent of what you want to achieve and the outcomes you are aiming for, so you can set your intent for your mood. In your next interaction how do you want to be perceived - as energetic? as enthusiastic? as bored? Think about how would behave in order to be perceived that way, and think about the feelings that come with that. Set your intention and take a breath before you go into that interaction. Allow yourself to be surprised how your interactions and feelings follow the intent you set - because your behaviour and attitude influence them!

Habit 3: Appreciation is reserved for big milestones only.
Is every day you live just test of patience as you impatiently wait to achieve your big goals? Do small milestones slip by without you even noticing? Do you have a mindset that life now is nothing, but once you have achieved your goals, then you will be happy? Appreciating the ordinary, everyday facets of your life is a key to your happiness. No doubt there are many aspects of your life that others may consider their life long goals (think third world/first world here). Not only can appreciating all of your everyday ordinary blessings impact your mood positively, but adjusting your mindset will help greatly too. If you are focused on "being happy once a,b or c happens" I will suggest two things; 1; you will be disappointed when you get there because with this mindset there is always another goal to achieve, and 2; you will miss MANY opportunities for happiness and joy in your everyday because you are too busy focusing on your ideas for the future.

Habit 4: Constantly running from A to B and chasing your tail.
Are you so busy with a task list that is 3 miles long most days, that stopping (to articulate your mood, take a breath, set your intention or appreciate the moment) is way beyond your realms of consideration? Being that busy is dangerous for your mood and wellbeing, because of all that is above - you don't take the few minutes to stop and be mindful. Mindfulness is definitely a trendy catch cry word at the moment, but there is a good reason for that; practicing it can bring you huge health and wellbeing benefits! Being mindful is an extension of adopting the different mindset I spoke about in habit 3. Practicing it as a habit causes you to ground yourself in the moments of your day and appreciate your journey, rather than being overwhelmed with thoughts and plans for what is coming next.

Habit 5: Meaningful social connections are not a priority.
Do you keep all your social and professional interactions as superficial as possible so you don't have to deal with your own emotional baggage or that of others? Not all of your interactions needs to be deep and meaningful, but if you don't inject authenticity on some level into them, your happiness and wellbeing will suffer. To know and to be known by other trusted human beings is a critical protective factor in your mental health outcomes and physical life expectancy. Allow yourself to be known in your interactions. And make it a priority to connect on a meaningful level with a trusted person most days (the occasional day off for emotional solace and recovery is acceptable in my book (insert winking emoji)!)
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There are ofcourse many other bad habits that will negatively impact your mood, and other good habits that you can adopt. To listen to my latest vlog about how you can implement these positive strategies into your every day life to improve your mood and happiness, click on the link to my youtube channel below.

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all and resolve conflict. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

1.  Get clarity around what's important to you and what your anxiety is working to protect.
Anxiety is a natural mode that our body "kicks in" to when it senses we are threatened or in danger.  Anxiety becomes a problem for some people, however, when their body - originating from their mind - perceives threat when it really isn't there, OR is not there to the degree that they perceive.   Getting clarity regarding what you perceive to be threatened is invaluable in taking steps to combat your anxiety.  Are you fearful for your physical safety?  Are you fearful of losing a loved one and their physical safety?  Are you fearful of being hurt emotionally?  Or some part of your identity being challenged that you cannot bear?  Take time to reflect and articulate - to yourself, to your diary, to a trusted person - what you most hold dear and what you most fear losing.

2.  How do you see yourself?  And is your perspective correct?  
Particularly for those people who suffer anxiety due to fears of internal threat and pain, how do you perceive yourself and your identity?  Are you so fixated on the one part of you that you fear being hurt/damaged/threatened that you have lost sight of all the other qualities and characteristics that make up the person that you are?  Ofcourse this step requires the willingness to make yourself vulnerable, because only in acknowledging your deepest thoughts and fears, can you truly identify and work on them.  The work begins when you are then challenged to broaden your perspective of yourself.  When your perspective is broadened, in the case of one aspect/part of you being hurt, the pain would be then be relative to 5% of your being, rather than 100%.  Broadening your perspective of yourself decreases anxiety's prospects of impacting such a big part of you.  
How much control do you perceive you have?  Are you attempting to control external circumstances that are actually beyond your control?  Some people who suffer anxiety are busy attempting to control circumstances, and it's as though they haven't stopped to think that the job they are trying to achieve is humanly impossible, which leads to the next point:

3.  Be intentional about what you can and can't control; what you can and can't do.  
The irony of anxiety is that to combat it, many people use the strategy of attempting to take control of more and more external circumstances, when in actual fact, acceptance of the need to relinquish control is the beginning of a road to recovery.  Relinquishing the impossible dream of controlling all external circumstances, and focusing on taking control of how you think - about your safety AND about your anxiety AND about your identity - is the next invaluable key to taking steps on your road to recovery.  You can't control all the external factors impacting your anxiety, but you can control how you think and how you respond to your anxiety.  

4.  Develop Emotional Intelligence regarding the emotions you experience or are afraid of.  
Those people who experience anxiety, experience the array of negative emotions that coincide with anxiety.  Negative emotions aren't pleasant.  No one in their right mind would look forward to them.  And in actual fact they can be downright painful.  They can be so negative that some people with anxiety start "fearing the fear".  And rightly so - to a point - because the sense of fear and overwhelm is not something to be celebrated and anticipated.  The huge problem with this however, is that in fearing the fear, and fearing the emotion, your brain is giving WAY too much kudos to something that is only an emotion.  An emotion is real yes, but it's something that cannot physically harm you.  It cannot dictate your behaviour.  And it will pass with time.  It will even pass particularly quickly with time, if that time is spent in selfaware and proactive thought.  Which brings me to my final point; once you are thinking about your emotions helpfully and realistically - as emotions that can be painful, but cannot dictate you and will pass - you can bring intention into the strategies you use to assist you through times of emotional overwhelm.

5.  Develop helpful strategies as HABITS that you can draw on in times of severe anxiety.  
Develop an emotional vocabulary in which you can adequately identity and describe the emotions you are feeling.  Then, when you are experiencing them, rather than being fearful of the negative feeling, accept that it will be with you for a time, and focus on articulating and describing it.  This practice is self awareness and EQ 101.  It is also an aspect of mindfulness - being aware of your body - which you can extend further from your emotional awareness and vocabulary, to physical awareness and vocabulary.  Once you have taken note, identified and articulated your emotions, do the same with your physical sensations.  How is it that your body is feeling right now?  What temperature is it?  Where are you feeling pressure?  Wriggle your toes and how much room do you have in your shoes?  This technique of grounding yourself in your present physical state can be extended as much as you wish and need. 
Another helpful technique in times of distress is distraction.  Distraction techniques that are proactive and pre-planned are the best.  Engage in a favourite hobby/activity.  Do some physical exercise.  Listen to some favourite music.  Think about what positive behaviour helps you in times of stress and make a plan about how you will use it in times of severe anxiety.  
Finally there are many other resources available to assist you to combat anxiety.  Visit your GP and ask for advice.  Ask for referral for a mental health care plan to receive counselling subsidised by Medicare.  Seek private counselling.  Talk to a trusted, knowledgeable friend.  Access the myriad of quality online resources and apps, to name only a few:
Beyond Blue - beyondblue.org.au
The Black Dog Institute - blackdoginstitute.org.au
Sane Australia - sane.org

Here is my latest vlog in which I verbally expound all of the above.  I hope you find it helpful and even life changing.  In the meantime, connect with yourself and your people, grow in your understanding of yourself and your people, and live your best life.  Smiles from Kristy :)

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

Our past DOES NOT have to dictate our future, however IT WILL if we do not take some time to reflect on our experiences and how they have shaped us - who we are, what we believe and how we think.
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This applies to our history of conflict.  Conflict is a subject that people have varied reactions to.  Some find conflict incredibly confronting and emotionally overwhelming, others figure “best not to get involved” and don’t deal or resolve anything, while others view conflict as an opportunity. 

Where do you sit in the spectrum of your response to conflict?  What have you learned in childhood, as you grew, and in your adult experiences about what conflict is; acceptable behaviours within conflict; what outcomes to expect from conflict, etc?  Understanding how you view, respond and think about conflict gives you the power to be intentional about changing those thoughts and responses, if they are not serving you.

Here are 6 ways your past experience of conflict IS impacting you, whether you realise or not, deny it or not, like it or not:

1.  Your belief about conflict and how functional it is.  Did you witness or have you experienced healthy functional conflict?  If so you are likely to have a positive approach toward conflict now, you have seen and experienced the benefits that come from resolving issues and moving forward with increased understanding.  You are willing to invest in the conflict process because you believe it’s effective.  Have you experienced deep hurt as a result of conflict?  If so it is likely you will be apprehensive – for fear of being hurt again – about entering into conflict.  You are also likely to doubt that any value will be gained from entering into conflict, and thus will make extensive attempts to steer clear of it. 

2.  Your emotions around conflict.  What past emotions have you experienced during conflict?  It is likely that most of us experience some anxiety when dealing with conflict – let’s face it, no matter how well equipped we are, it is never an easy process.  But what levels of anxiety do you face?  Is that anxiety linked with fear?  Or a belief that conflict is “bad”?  And to what extent are the emotions you experience around conflict, controlling your behaviour?  You don’t have to allow your emotions to dictate how you behave.  You can recognise them, name them, and sit with them until they pass. 

3.  The attitude you go into conflict with.  Depending on what you believe about the functionality of conflict, will depend how your attitude sways when confronted with it.  Is your attitude positive – hoping to achieve understanding for both parties.  Is your attitude nonchalant, therefore you won’t genuinely invest in the process and aim for a positive outcome.  Is your attitude aggressive, because you fear being hurt, so have to go in “attacking”?  Or is your attitude generally negative because you have not witnessed or experienced functional conflict before?

4.  The results you expect and experience.  For all the reasons listed above from 1 through 3, the results you expect as you go into conflict, you are likely to receive.  This is because your beliefs, emotions and attitude will direct you toward those results.  IF on the other hand, you become more purposeful, going into a conflict with awareness of your beliefs, emotions and attitude, and intention around how you want to shape those three DURING the process, you are much more likely to gain a positive result. 

5.  The depth of your relationships.  If you avoid conflict all together, or you have a negative attitude toward it, or believe nothing good comes from it, you are limiting your ability to experience depth in your relationships.  Conflict is an opportunity for you and the other party -  in the most important case your intimate partner and immediate family – to increase your understanding of each other and come to a deeper level of connection.  Refusing to engage in conflict prevents this from occurring. 

6.  Your level of happiness and contentment.  To make it plain, the research and experience indicates that if you restrict the depth of your connection with “your people” you limit your life expectancy, mental and physical health outcomes.  Connect with your people on a deeper level….. and if that means allowing yourself to experience conflict with your partner, I dare you!
 
Whether your thoughts and responses to conflict are positive or negative, they are still “baggage” that you bring with you to your next conflict.  Identifying what it is you are carrying with you and how it is influencing you and projecting into your next conflict, empowers you to think/act differently if you choose.  Some of your projections may be completely unwarranted and unrelated to any current conflict you may experience, thus they are hurting your ability to see the conflicts in your life with fresh eyes, and to treat them on their own merits.  Recognising how you are influenced means you have the power to choose whether you will continue on, or change your course for a better outcome.  

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

Self doubt has been a recurring theme in my conversations of late.  I have encouraged multiple people struggling with it, and never cease to be amazed at the calibre of people – those whom I view as having everything sorted, barging full steam ahead, not concerned with whether the world wants to hold them back or not – who have doubts about their capabilities. 
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It’s easy for me to look at others, their talents and capabilities, and tell them what I see and how I believe in them.  I’m often times taken aback by their lack of self belief.  It’s like an admiring fan looking at an Olympic diver – we can easily admire the beauty and talent from the outside, we can clearly see the results that person has achieved and the skills they have to offer.  But it’s only the diver who is privy to the entire picture – good, bad and ugly – of how they got to where they are; the fails, the heartaches, the practice and the challenges that have been overcome to achieve those results.  When we look and talk to ourselves we, like the diver, are privy to the entire picture of our minds, and all this extra information – negative and positive - can cloud our view of some of the character traits and strengths that outsiders can otherwise clearly see and identify.

Remembering this “clouded view” when self-doubt arises is important.  Knowing your view is clouded is one of your strategies of defense against negative self-talk.  It’s likely that your self talk may not be helpful, could be warped, could be an exaggeration of the truth or could be plain, downright incorrect.  Remembering your view is not entirely correct gives you the courage to keep going, challenge your doubts, and continue to believe that you can achieve your goals. 

When I’m plagued by self-doubt, I have also benefited from another strategy, which is assessing – and changing – the mindset which I have fallen in to.  I easily adopt a competitive mindset which means that I start to view everyone as either a threat to my ranking, or as beneath my ranking in the competition of life.  Needing to “win” the competition not only means there are always going to be losers, but that I start looking around and comparing myself to the next person.  “Am I prettier than her?”  “Am I more successful than her?”  “Oh no, she has more online followers than me, I must be hopeless.”  Etc. etc.  Comparing apples and oranges is a flawed approach, as is trying to set up a competition between the two.  I have learned that changing my mindset to adopt a “win win” approach (thankyou Steven Covey) in which I see myself – and others – as unique, and to be respected individually for the wealth of our experiences and knowledge, is much more accommodating of the courage and motivation I need to keep going in times of self doubt.

In my latest vlog I get personal about some of the thoughts I struggle with and how these have impacted me as I prepare for an upcoming seminar I’m preparing.  If you struggle with self doubt, I hope you find it helpful. 

Kristy xx

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.

Can you relate to either party in this image? Chances are you can relate to both, depending on which relationship in your life that you're referring to! Whether you are the big guy who dominates the landscape, or the little guy who's smart and nimble, both hold power to influence, and both can be respected for their unique qualities. This picture is a beautiful representation of what you can achieve in professional and social relationships, when you are willing to bring your character assets to the table and work together for a win-win.
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Do you have to be the big guy? Do you feel threatened if you perceive yourself to be the little guy? Can you see that the little guy in this picture holds power and respect too? So much of our failure to manage healthy relationships is tied up in our fight for power and dominance. I call this the power/threat cycle. It works - usually - in one or two ways for each of us. The first: we are focused on our own power and importance, and we behave in a dominant manner so that others know we are "important". We may achieve this by speaking, taking up positions and behaving to ensure that others see our importance and feel our dominance (sometimes in the most subtle of ways).  In this way we ensure that we hold the balance of power. The second: we are focused on our own insecurities (a perceived loss of power and importance) and so constantly feel threatened by anyone that is confident or self assured, thus to compensate we either; act powerful to circumvent this cycle OR act threatened, taking away our own power and ripping ourselves off of the respect that we deserve.

The problem with BOTH of these approaches is that, as a mentality, they assume that power and dominance directly correlate to importance.  As a human race we all long to be important, any many people/companies/conglomerates achieve this through power.  Using power to establish importance is a successful strategy.  But it’s not a win-win.  In the thousands (it's a guess, but a pretty educated one) of clients I've worked with, I have seen this power/threat cycle mindset rearing its ugly head in 99.99% of relational issues. There is a different mindset that we can take, and its approach always gains better, more sustainable outcomes. It's called focusing on respect. Respect doesn't discriminate by power and perceived importance. Respect recognises that you can't compare apples and oranges, and that each can be equally appreciated for its own unique traits and properties.

In my quest to understand the human character, I have learned that our desire for power is real, but that desire for respect is much healthier and sustainable. The power struggle will always result in winners and losers, but respect is something that can be shared around much more equally. I have learned to tame my inner power monger! and trained myself to focus much more on respecting people equally, for the different traits and assets they possess. That means I can have equally respectful relationships with people of all different shapes and sizes, without this nagging issue of the power/threat cycle that continually plagues the human race and causes us to act in ways contradictory to even our own interests.  If you can consciously shift your focus from perceiving importance linked with power to perceiving importance linked with respect, you will journey a long way in self respect, happy relationships and your ability to lead and influence the people around you. 

If you are interested in a respect mentality, you may be interested in the vlog below in which I detail some specific strategies you can implement to improve your life and social relationships.  Being able to manage social relationships starts with you – understanding yourself and your own motivations – and permeates out to managing/responding to all of your interpersonal interactions.  Social skills is the 5th pillar of Emotional Intelligence. 

Kristy is the founder of Wellbalance. She is inspired to motivate leaders and workplaces toward proactive, effective and productive communication with their people, to achieve positive outcomes for all. Kristy enjoys long walks on the beach and holding hands at sunset (just joking - actually not really!) Kristy thrives on seeing relationships reach their full potential, and celebrates when people come to understand their true value - to love their flaws, accept their perceived failings and grow beyond these. She believes that the entire human race are healthier and happier when they CONNECT - with their people, GROW - in their self awareness and ability to engage with others, and LIVE - life to their full potential.